Inside me lives a ball of anxiety and dread that stubbornly refuses to dissipate.
The issue, I think, is that I feel fundamentally out of place. I find myself missing the intellectually-charged environment of university more and more with each passing day.
The thing is, the working world simply demands certain skills be utilised more than others, and the fact is I’m simply not very good at those skills. Convincing people, selling products, designing campaigns, reaching out to the masses, networking, being business savvy, keeping finances in check - I would count myself as barely competent at all of the above.
Yet that’s what’s expected of me daily. It’s all rather tedious, when there’s so much more that I could offer to the world.
On another note though, it feels wonderful to be able to write for no audience. I hadn’t realised how cathartic the act of simply getting thoughts out of my head would be.
A peculiar relationship has wound its way into my life as of late.
The details are, of course, private. But it has ignited a shift in thought - a re-thinking, or re-questioning, of morals, one could say. Turns out, I’m more morally corrupt than I thought I was, and surprisingly okay with it.
Some issues that have received particular attention:
1. The legitimacy of monogamy 2. The meaning of friendship 3. The public and the private ‘self’
The peculiarity stems from its sheer unpredictability, in both how it began and how it will progress. I guess only time will tell. In the meantime, I have vowed to simply enjoy it, and ask nothing more from it.
As I write this, I am stressed to the gills and in severe need of a mental break. There are simply too many problems and too few solutions, and I find myself woefully unequipped and inexperienced to handle them.
Dealing with people is hard. My one simple wish for my life now is that I will have enough time to read, and enough time to write.
There’s a sign on the wall at the place I’m working today. It says:
“Hugging is good medicine! It transfers energy and gives the person hugged an emotional lift. You need four hugs a day for survival, eight for maintenance, and twelve for growth.”
what
4 hugs for survival
8 hugs for maintenance
12 hugs for growth
1 hug to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them
